What Matters Most
by Moose Voose
Summary: How far would you go for love? Who would you hurt, who would you sacrifice, if it made you happy? A story about the tragedies of love and a woman who gave up everything for it.


**What Matters Most**

**By: Moose Voose**

**A/N:** Okay, I honestly thought I would never publish this. But...here we are. I'm not going to explain why I changed my mind because I really can't explain why I never wanted to publish this. I guess I realized: it doesn't matter if some parts suck because a part of it is very well done.

**_WARNING: In order to get the most out of this, please read slowly and absorb every word_.** Otherwise, the story will not build properly, and the emotional scenes might not touch you. I know, I should have fixed the pacing, but it was sort of a magical piece you just can't edit or touch, especially after a year, or you'll ruin it. _**Also, read the entire thing. **_I know it sucks at first. But the best part, the part about giving up everything, isn't till chapter six-ish/

For the record, I didn't want to release the pairing-I wanted it to be a surprise. In fact, it sort of ruins it when you know it's Remus from the very beginning. But if I don't make it Remus/OC, the people who want to read that stuff won't be able to find it on here. x.x

_Rated T for comical verbal abuse of rotten nine year old boys_

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just a sick, twisted mind that apparently enjoys ruining Sirius Black's life.**

**Chapter 1: James is Bored [A/N: DID YOU READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE? LOOK UP^]  
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"Mom, why HER? She's…so…OLD!" James Sirius Potter whined.

Ginny Weasley was unimpressed. "She's only a few decades older than me; she can't be much passed sixty."

"But she's boring!" James, at nine years old, was an expert on the subject of 'boring'. "She always tells the SAME stories—"

"Boring, am I?" Camille Croft's voice was hard and not exactly friendly. James jumped at least a foot off of the ground.

"Gah! You can kill somebody by sneaking up on them like that!" James said crossly.

Ginny ignored her obnoxious son. "Thanks so much for this, Camille. I couldn't find anybody willing to babysit the little monster. Even Mom can't stand him."

"Squirrel!" James shouted and shot forward after the furry-tailed rodent, right over a lovely patch of bright yellow tulips. At least, they _were_ beautiful before he went stomping through them. Ginny gaped at her son.

"James Sirius Potter, you apologize _right now_—"

"MOM! MOM! I GOT THE SQUIRREL!" James squealed and carried back the foaming squirrel with struggled frantically in James strong and capable hands…which were probably squeezing the squirrel too tight.

"In all of my years, I have _never _seen anyone catch a squirrel with their bare hands, much less a little boy," Camille stated in disbelief.

"Yeah, well, James is something special." The way Ginny said it, it didn't sound like a good thing.

* * *

><p>James was bored to death. He didn't really know Camille; he couldn't remember who she was married to, her children, or…anything about her. He knew she was somebody important to him; he'd met her before. But James simply didn't care about (or like) Camille.<p>

At first, he'd been curious. He'd asked her hundreds of questions; he could count on one hand how many she'd answered. At first, he'd seen it as a challenge. He'd done his best to crack her…but, apparently, his seven minutes attention span hadn't produced enough firepower to get him anywhere. As usual, when he didn't immediately succeed, he simply gave up.

Persistence was not one of his strong points.

Usually when he had to visit Camille, he was locked in her basement. It was full of two things he hated; board games and books. There were no explosives, nothing sharp, and nothing even remotely entertaining to the destructive nine year old.

This visit was worse than most because, this time, Camille Croft sat in the only furnishing, a wooden rocking chair, watching him with steely gray eyes.

James was uncomfortable with her constant, hawk-like gaze; he felt as if she was expecting him to do something other than sit around and glare at books.

"Why don't you read? You may actually develop that pea-brain of yours," Camille suggested.

James gaped at her. "I do _not_ have a pea brain!"

"You're right. It's the size of a pimple," She replied, using a tone that know-it-all-Albus would use…but nobody else.

"You can't talk to me like that!" James snapped.

"Why? Because you're the son of the Boy-Who-Lived?" Camille snapped.

James had been thinking more along the lines of, _I'm the epitome of pure awesome. _But that worked too. "Yeah!"

"You're arrogant, rude, and strangely talented. You also have the attention span and memory of a goldfish." Camille smirked. She said this as if that was a very convenient thing."Tell me, are you bored?"

"_Yes_!" James groaned.

"Then would you like to hear a story?" Camille cut to the chase. Kind of like James. But James didn't like that train of thought.

"What? _Stories?_ I'm too old for—"

"It's the story of my life, idiotic boy," Camille snapped.

"Oh." James frowned. It was the '_idiotic boy_' that caught his attention. Normal boys his age weren't quite sure what 'idiotic' meant, but James had heard the word applied to him often enough that he was quite familiar with it.

There was a silence.

"Well?" James demanded. "Aren't you going to tell me?"

"I was waiting for you to apologize and then I'd reward you with the story. But you are just as your namesake. Perhaps love will change you for the better, should anybody ever love an impertinent pig like you." James was aghast. How could she be so cheerful while calling him a pig?

"I'm not—"

"You're not going to apologize, are you?" Camille gave a dry-as-bone laugh.

"No! _You_ are the one calling me a pig!" He snapped.

"You are _just_ like your grandfather," Camille sighed low. "But I'll forgive you and tell you the story anyway."

"Really?" James perked up. He paused. "This better not be boring."

"Oh, it'll probably be boring to _you_. But, frankly, I could care less if you're bored. I made an unbreakable vow that I'd tell somebody about…" She sighed, but didn't continue for a long moment. James used this time to imagine what it would feel like to eat his finger. "It might as well be the A.D.D. nine year old who won't even listen," She said after a moment.

James wasn't sure he liked this side of Camille Croft; hard, cold, analytical…and brilliant. "Were you a Slytherin?" His tone was far from warm.

"No, foolish boy. I was a Gryffindor, in the same year as your grandfather, James Potter." James perked up at his name. "Now, shut up and listen."

As much as it annoyed James, he had to admit that he was more inclined to listen to the old hag now that she'd played dirty; just like him. She wasn't above intimidating him into silence the immature, old-fashioned way. James didn't answer. He gazed into her steely gray eyes, and listened as her story unfolded.

**Chapter 2: A List**

I can remember when I was young, how I always knew what I wanted: true love. I can see you're not interested in the prospect; you're the type of little booger that won't take a liking to girls till third year. That's fine and dandy; we wouldn't want to sick you on the girls just yet; knowing you, you'll make breaking hearts into a game…

Oh, alright. On with the story.

Anyways, since I always had my mind on this growing up, I always knew I'd get my Prince Charming. I wouldn't settle for anything less. It occurred to me when I was about, say, as old as your little sister Lily, that I should define my Prince Charming so I'd recognize him when I saw him.

I wasn't about to record my list of characteristics _anywhere_. I was one of those kids that really valued privacy; I can see that means nothing to you. Has anyone ever called you a psychopath? No? …Don't pass what I said along to your mother. She'll kill me. Ah, I shouldn't have told you that…Moving on.

Well, I have to admit, I was a bit into elaborate plans that didn't involve telling the truth myself. I see you thought you were the only one; self-absorbed nitwit. Alright, alright. I'll stop insulting you after every remark. But you're listening, no?

As I was saying before I began to convey my intense dislike of you, I didn't want to tell my mother that I was even aware boys existed. In Pureblood society, that could mean the arranging of many 'play dates' expected to end in marriage proposals much earlier than I was willing to deal with. Instead, I decided with the simple demand of a journal.

My mother adored the idea, deeming it a "romantic" prospect; no, you ninny! "Romantic" didn't have the same connotation then as it does now! Ah, you don't know what connotation even means. Shame for you that your brain is the side of an egg at largest. I imagine it's just as oddly shaped…

Besides that, I was hideously spoiled and often got what I want. So, of course my mother delivered a leather-bound blank book to me with green ink and plenty of quills. But that simply wouldn't do. I didn't want _anyone _but me to read the contents of that book. So I refused it, throwing a tantrum. I'm sure you've seen your siblings throw them; you're not the type to throw them. You seem more the type to cause massive destruction in pure, selfish rage than to scream and wail like a banshee.

My mother soon got the idea, and a book with protective magic spells was delivered. It was designed like a snitch with a skin or touch memory; it would only open up in my hands. Finally satisfied, I began to pencil down exactly what I wanted.

I won't bore you with just what I wrote; you're too stupid and simply too male to appreciate it. I will say that I knew exactly what I wanted. And the list wasn't short. It took up pages and pages full of characteristics that I demanded of my husband. I labored over that notebook for years; I didn't stop putting down characteristics till fourth year. Why? Because I recognized that my list was already much too long. I'd be lucky if the man I was arranged to marry carried a tenth of the characteristics I'd put down.

You don't even know what 'characteristic' means? Bloody Merlin, you need to read a few books or Lily will graduate before you!

Now, whether you know it or not, I used to be quite a beauty. Even you can admit to the fact that my bone structure is symmetrical and even. Back then, with the aid of much makeup which I relished in applying, I was regarded as beautiful. And even you can tell that I'm not afraid to state my opinion. Some boys found that attractive, so I began the hunt to find my Prince Charming in late fourth year.

I began to despair that I would ever find somebody who fit my list. I wasn't nearly as spoiled and naïve as I was when I was six. The men around me seemed dull and flawed. I began to question my high standards. How could I expect anybody to meet them all? I'd never met one person who'd met even half.

By the end of fifth year, I was despairing. I was about ready to throw out the darned thing, though, mind you, I already had it memorized. I would have if I hadn't grown so attached to it emotionally, as a toddler to a stuffed animal. That little book comforted me.

But in sixth year, everything changed.

**Chapter 3: Prince Charming**

I enjoy secrets. I relish in keeping them, both my own and others. It made me a valuable friend to those who needed a good listener. It also made it incredibly easy for me hoard secrets; I heard all the gossip, but never passed it on.

I had quite a few secrets on your grandparents, little fool. Even their friends. Especially their friends; Lily and James didn't have many secrets. I was the first to hear that James was literally in love with her, that it was no longer a silly crush. I was the first to hear about Lily's approval of James's newfound maturity.

Some people think that Lily hated James, that she was prejudiced. But that's the special thing about your grandmother: her second chances were close to infinite. Did she dislike your father? Greatly. Almost as much as I dislike you, in fact. But she refused James every time he asked her, not because she hated him, but because he refused to grow up. He was arrogant and immature; just like you. Those words don't seem to affect you, but, let me tell you, they're not adjectives applied to those who go to heaven.

Yes, I see you're confused. I went from talking about my desperate quest for love to your grandfather's. You see, James and Lily were very close to me, a big part of my life. Maybe if they weren't dead, you wouldn't be turning into a giant glob of human waste.

It was James's best friends that concern me the most. Do you know their names? You visit with them often enough. Sirius Black…and Remus…Remus Lupin. I knew before James and Sirius what Remus was. He told me first, not because he wanted to, but because had to, lest he go insane.

Do you know what that's like? To try and cap such strong emotions like despair? Of course not. This explanation is lost on you; you have about as much empathy as a serial killer. Anyways, what Remus feared most was that all that he had come to love would desert him if they discovered his curse. He was in such a flurry of despair that he confided it in me, late one night after he returned from a change, tired and high-strung.

I never told a soul.

Remus and I were never close. We never talked, and we were about as close as acquaintances.

I wasn't any closer to Sirius Black, and I didn't know any of his dark secrets. You may or may not have noticed, but Sirius Black doesn't keep secrets. That was his philosophy; live in such a way that you have nothing to hide. Sirius Black was a great, great man. A great man I wasn't interested in getting to know…at first.

Oh, I knew that he was good looking. Oh, who am I kidding? As long as I've thrown my filter out the window, he was _hot_. I, like every other girl, feasted on the offered eye candy, but I didn't ever dream of it ever being mine.

Sirius got around. A lot. He didn't sleep around, if you're wondering. Which you're probably not; you're nine years old, for heaven's sake! But I suppose he thought it was his job to date any and every girl available.

Eventually, it was my turn.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was laughing with Lily at some joke Alice Longbottom (formally Prewett) had told them. Then, suddenly, my eyes locked with Sirius Black's. I can remember how it pierced me, and I felt a pleasant tingling. And then he smiled. And after that, it was history.

For days, this went on. The locking of eyes, the secret smiles conveying a thousand words…I was crazy for that boy, in a way I'd never been before. Lily thought I was insane. She'd never been in love before, so she didn't understand. For the first time since I'd started dating, I actually, genuinely liked a boy. I was absolutely crazy for him.

Oh, don't make that face at me! This is a love story, after all.

Over the process of many, many months, I began to realize something. Slowly, as I got to know Sirius Black, I pieced it together.

Sirius was every single thing on my list. All two hundred pages fit him exactly. That shook me to the core.

Sirius Orion Black was my Prince Charming.

Chapter 4: The End

James gaped at her. "That's it? Sirius is your true love?"

"No, that's _not_ it!" Camille growled. "You idiot! Did I say 'the End'?"

"But you had your happily ever after!" James whined. "Sirius."

"This isn't a fairytale, little fool," Camille stated coldly. "And that's not the end of my story."

"But it's a love story. Doesn't it end now that you've found true love?" James demanded.

Camille refused to answer.

"Aw, there really _is_ more?" James groaned. "I thought you were bluffing."

"Normally, a captive audience would put me out. But I didn't like you to begin with, so your impatience to be through with me doesn't wound me in the slightest," Camille stated. James was still shocked at how casually she insulted him. "You know, I'm surprised you even know what bluffing is. But I imagine you do a lot of it since you're a virtually a little devil."

"I'm hungry," James interrupted. He was tired of hearing her insult him. It, like much everything else, was boring. "Can you feed me?"

"If you will let me get through this story, little fool!" Camille stated. It would have been just as intimidating if she had shouted it. James gave a great big sigh as he made a show of settling on the floor, ready to listen but obviously against his will. "Honestly," She muttered. "I have never met a more obnoxious child! Now…where was I…?"

**Chapter 5: His Kind of Love**

Love. It's a horrible thing; it tears people apart instead of bringing them closer than should be humanely possible. You're still too self-absorbed to truly feel the emotion, so it's a fact that I've loved more deeply than you can comprehend.

Love can bring two people together who are not equals; just look at Hermione and Ron Weasley; totally different levels! But, for some reason, Cupid shot his arrow in her heart…Truly, I pity the girl. At least my true love was a competent wizard!

Love can tear us apart. Look at your Uncle George, little fool. He seems like he's fine, living with his cute little wife with his cute little kids with his cute little…well, big pranks…But he's not okay. Surely even _you_, an unobservant egg head, have noticed that emptiness! It's the result of losing your other half, your kindred spirit; your brother, in the truest, closest sense…I have always felt for your Uncle George. Angelina, though his true love, can never fill that gaping hole in his heart that only his brother Fred could occupy.

Love can also bring together two souls who belong together. When they hold hands, it seems to fit like the last pieces of a jigsaw puzzle…the fire of first love dims, but if they're the one, will never die out. True, true love is filled with passion and pure adoration. It brings together equals. It can make everything sparkle like diamonds…It can make everything feel like a dream come true, no matter the circumstances.

You can't choose who you love. That much I know for certain. It creeps up on you, and if you try to fight it, it's the most unbearable feeling…Like you've become a monster. Thank goodness I don't feel that towards _you_; it would seem I'm completely immune to your charm.

With Sirius, the love I felt was…well, it was amazing. I adored him, and he adored me. Sirius had never been fond of the rule against PDA, and you know Marauders; they just have to break all the rules. No, I'm not going to tell you what PDA means. Ask your mother. Anyways, I wasn't about to stand in his way.

As Sirius's girlfriend, (the longest he ever kept) I began to spend more time with the Marauders. I avoided Peter at all cost; I did warn them not to choose him as their secret keeper, for even then I was suspicious. But Remus and James, they were tolerable. More than tolerable, I enjoyed their company.

The thing about my relationship with Sirius was that we were sure that we had found our soul-mates. It wasn't a fling; I, at sixteen, had met my future, and I was going to hold on with both hands. It was the greatest feeling in the world, loving and being loved. I relished in that, in the feeling that Sirius was absolutely perfect for me. And I never, _never _doubted his love for me. Sirius is actually extremely affectionate; "I love you"s were flying from his mouth left and right.

I returned them. Normally, I'd be embarrassed. But this was Prince Charming! I had dreamed of Sirius Black my entire life. Any secret I had, was there only to share, to build trust between us. He knew everything there was to know about me, from my fear of the dark, to intense dislike of cats. They weren't real secrets, but they were secrets I'd never told anybody in my life. I, who adored secrets, suddenly had none. The feeling was exhilarating, and fueled the passion I had for him.

It wasn't until after Christmas of seventh year that I saw something, saw something that changed everything.

**Chapter 6: Unfaithful**

I'd grown very close to Remus especially. Heaven knew we had little in common. He was very at home in the Library, while I was fond of exploring the corridors. (I even added some to the Marauder's Map.) But there was something comforting about sitting next to Remus in front of a toasty warm fire, trading stories and laughing quietly.

Conversation flowed between Remus in a way that it didn't with Sirius; not that I would _ever_ admit it. I was in love with Sirius—it shouldn't be easier to talk to Remus than Sirius. But in those golden brown eyes, I found peace and contentment, safety, in a way that I often tried to duplicate with Sirius.

Lily begged me to stop talking to Remus, to distance myself from him. I didn't understand why. And I refused. In retrospect, it was a foolish move. I should have given him up, I should have left him be. Though it would have come out eventually. I know it would. That's…Well, I won't say anymore. I wouldn't want to ruin the ending for you. Funny, I almost forgot you were there. That explains the lack of insults, I suppose.

The feelings I shared with Remus were so much more unsettling than my love for Sirius. I was so ashamed of myself for feeling them, because I longed to be with Remus. I craved his company. During classes, at meals, even during those quiet moments with Sirius, I found myself wishing I was talking with Remus by our fire, laughing quietly over the events of the day.

But I didn't _love_ Remus; I was in love with Sirius! Surely, it had to be okay that I sought companionship in his friend! Sirius couldn't fulfill _all_ of my needs. But in the back of my mind, I knew that he _should_ be able to; that was the point of him fulfilling my entire list. Ah, I see you forgot the list; you have the memory span of a goldfish. It's a good thing; I wouldn't even consider telling you this if you could possibly comprehend it.

But everything changed, early January. I saw something I was never intended to see. I saw something that had been hid from me, something that it seemed that most everyone knew, except for the people it could hurt the most.

It was at the end of the dinner. Remus sat across from me, Sirius beside me. Sirius was in a particularly giddy mood. He was laughing that bark-like laugh that I adored and was stealing my food whenever he thought I wasn't looking. I laughed with him, giddy to see him so happy.

I can't remember how it happened; maybe James had begged to see a kiss from the couple who were celebrating their first year anniversary in just three days. So Sirius was suddenly kissing me, and I was kissing back.

When I pulled away, I met eyes with Remus, hoping to share a secret smile. But Remus's eyes weren't smiling. In the depths of those golden eyes, I saw what I had never been intended to see: pain. And as he met my eyes, suddenly, I saw what Lily had tried to warn me against, what Remus had tried so desperately to hide showcased in those incredibly vulnerable golden eyes.

Remus was in love with me.

How had I been so blind? How could I have encouraged those feelings? I felt like the sickest form of monster. I was with his best friend! How could I have allowed this to happen?

"Hey, Moony, did you—" Remus cut Sirius off by getting to his feet and running from the hall. The Marauders were on their feet in a second.

I couldn't take my eyes from that door. I got up from my bench and ran after him, Sirius calling after me. I sprinted after the boy that loved me, that I had encouraged, had hurt, time and time again. Unlike many other girls I knew, I wasn't going to leave this unaddressed. We had to talk.

I barely kept up with him; he didn't slow at all. He just ran with this speed, as if he had to run or something would catch up with him. I ran as hard as I could after him, huffing and puffing, feeling as if my lungs would burst if I didn't slow. But I couldn't. We had to talk. It felt like _I_ would burst if we didn't sort it out.

He finally stopped in the middle of the Quidditch Field, figuring he was safe. I slowed to a walk and carefully made my way to him, trying to catch my breath.

He seemed so out of it, he didn't even seem to notice me. And that's when I noticed something. Remus was _crying. _Not in the 'scrunch face' way or sobbing uncontrollably. Just tears leaking out of his eyes which were relaxed and open. Slowly, he met my eyes as he accepted my presence. He didn't wipe at his face. He allowed me to see his weakness, as he had at the Great Hall. _He trusts me. _The thought sent a jolt of pleasure through me that I had no right to feel.

"Remus…" I whispered as I sat down beside him on the Quidditch Field grass. "How long?"

"Just this year," He whispered back. He looked at the ground, unwilling to meet my eyes.

"I…I'm so…I'm so stupid," I said, unable to hold it back. "Lily told me to…to distance myself from you. I didn't know…why. I refused. I didn't want to…to give you up. And now…I've...Remus, you have to understand, I feel like a monster."

Remus shook his head vigorously. "I was going to fall for you eventually. It wouldn't have made a difference, no matter what you did."

There was a silence as we gazed at the stars. Suddenly, he broke the silence. "You know what the worst part?"

"No," I whispered honestly back.

Remus turned to face her, golden eyes so deep, I thought I could see his soul. "It's knowing that I never stood a chance. If Sirius didn't have a claim on you, if you weren't yet in love with him, if you were fair game…Then I wouldn't have won. He's…He's Sirius Black. And I'm just Remus."

"No!" I shook my head vigorously, "You don't know that! You can't say that!" I didn't know why I was encouraging him. It was a selfish move. I didn't want him to be in pain.

"Don't," He shook his head. His voice gained in volume. "Don't you dare deny it. Sirius is…so much…" And then I saw a part of Remus I doubted anybody had ever seen before. "Better. He's better than me in every single way. He's charming, he's good looking, he's funny, he's exciting, he's _strong_. That's why I never stood a chance. Because he's your dream come true, every girl's dream come true. And I'm weak, I'm more at ease with books than people, I'm a _werewolf_; barely human—"

"You are strong!" I shook my head. "You have the strength to wake up every morning, to act normally despite the full moon that looms over your head like a hundred pound weight. I couldn't do that, bear such a curse with grace. That's stronger than Sirius!" As I said the words, I knew I was reaching a point of no return. But I couldn't stop. What I had buried deep within me for so long was coming out. "Sirius can escape his curse, the curse of his parents and brother, for nine months a year. _You can't. _I don't think Sirius could bear it."

"But that means nothing," Remus whispered. He turned to me, eyes full of anguish. "I don't really care who's stronger. All I know is that at the end of the day, you're with him, and I…" He shook his head. "He has you. So he _has_ to be better."

He was so unhinged, holding nothing back, trusting me implicitly with his heart which was breaking in half. That's what love was. Trust. Even though I was the one hurting him, he wasn't afraid to show it. He wasn't afraid to show me anything. "Oh, Remus," I whispered. And I felt an ache within my chest, a pain I had never felt before this night. It was in a place in my heart that had never been touched, not by a single living soul…not even Sirius. It was a part of my heart that only Remus had been able to touch.

And that part of my heart was breaking in half for Remus, breaking _with_ Remus.

I was so confused. Feelings I had never felt before were pointing in a much different direction than I was willing to take. I needed time to think, to sort my feelings out…Because I loved Sirius. But those words seemed so insignificant in the face Remus's pain, in the feelings he caused me.

I lunged forward and hugged Remus, squeezing him as hard as I could, trying to convey as much as I could with that hug. He hugged me back just as tightly, as if I were his lifeline. He buried his face in my hair and cried silently, unashamed of his pain.

"I found them!" I heard no other than Sirius called from twenty feet. Remus pulled away from me as if I had shocked him, and he wiped at his tears quickly, trying to regain composure.

I got to my feet and stumbled to Sirius, thinking only of protecting Remus, of not allowing Sirius to witness his private pain. "Sirius, what are you doing here?" I demanded of him.

"My girlfriend," my heart gave a painful pang at that word, "just ran out of the Great Hall without a word, taking off after my best friend. You think I'm going to leave it at that?"

For a moment, I was sure that he knew I'd been unfaithful. The thought shocked me; all I'd done was hug him! But I knew I _had_ been unfaithful. I'd connected in a way with Remus that I would never be able to do with Sirius. But, no, Sirius was only conveying his worry about two such important people in his life.

"We're fine, obviously, Sirius," I said as I tried to steer him away. "Come on, let's go back to the castle—"

"Remus, have you been _crying_?" Sirius was callously baffled.

"Sirius, just shut up and come on!" I snapped and dragged him away from Remus. I didn't look back at Remus, didn't dare.

**Chapter 7: True Love**

I've gone over that scene so many times in my head that I've memorized every word; it's seared into my memory. Just like everything with Remus, my memories and the emotions connected with them were so much stronger than with Sirius.

From that night onward, everything was different. I refused to do any form of PDA in front of Remus. And I still loved Sirius. But now I looked at Remus a different way. I remembered those days when we would sit by our fire in that quiet contentment that I had never been able to admit had never been the same with Sirius.

At first, I tried to stay away from Remus, to ease his pain. But I'm a selfish creature; much like you, actually. Ha! You thought I forgot about you, didn't you? Well, I haven't; not everyone has the memory of chickens.

Anyways, we soon cracked. Even knowing that nothing good could ever come of it, we began to spend time together again. Lily discouraged it with all her might, but I refused. I didn't know why, but I had to have Remus in my life. Even if it killed him, which I'm sure it was.

I saw Remus differently this time. That flash of pain when Sirius and I kissed that he quickly hid, his quiet laughter that he mostly conveyed with his expressive golden eyes…I never had to try with Remus. Everything flowed so perfectly in a way that it never had with Sirius. That was the problem; the feeling I had for Remus was like that of fire; burning me slowly and charring my already throbbing heart, overtaking my senses. It was uncontrollable and untamable. The emotions he could make me feel without so much as making a romantic move on me were amazing.

With Sirius, it had been slow, like water. Undeniable and slow to change temperatures, Sirius had grown on me. But the feelings that I felt for him paled considerably in comparison with Remus. Remus could make me feel more pleasure with a shared laugh than Sirius in an entire date.

Sirius never noticed a change in me, but I did change.

I fell in love…with Remus.

I can see your horror; you were rooting for Sirius, weren't you? You're JUST as stupid as your father. Sirius can't have everything he wants. And he wanted me; he loved me. Not like Remus loved me; that is reserved for soul mates. Because Remus and I _were_ soul mates.

Remus had been right. Sirius should have won. He was everything on my list. All four hundred and twenty six things. He was exciting, handsome, and brave. But, despite all logic, it was Remus that my heart burned for, Remus that set me on fire.

How could I deny it? What I felt with Remus was true love.

The only problem was that neither Sirius, nor Remus, knew this fact.

**Chapter 8: The Truth**

"I don't know if you already guessed, but I refuse to leave things as they lay. As in, I'm not the type of girl to dawdle when she knows what she wants; I wanted to be with Remus. And I wasn't going to lead Sirius on," Camille stated firmly. James was completely enthralled in the story, unwilling to interrupt.

"But first…I had to start leading Remus on. Honestly, he was my top priority. I knew that he was still in pain. So the last day of March, I made it a priority to tell him," She stated. "After the dinner, I informed Sirius that I wanted him to leave me alone for one night. He chalked it up to a period. Perhaps density is contagious; it would explain _you_." James was shaken out of his curiosity over what a period was by her insult. Perhaps that was for the best.

"That night, instead of sitting by Remus, I asked him to speak with me in private. Remus had a "caught in the headlights" look. Does that expression amuse you? No doubt you're imagining a car running over a deer…sadistic little creep." James had to admit, he had imagined it…and found it _slightly _amusing.

Suddenly, Camille got to her feet. "Come child. The next part of this story ought not to be told in words, but in memories."

"Memories?" James had never heard such a thing. "What?"

"Yes, that's right. You're walking destruction; your parents know better than to expose you to something as valuable as a penceive. But I would imagine you're tired of just listening. So why don't you watch?"

"Like a telly?" James asked.

"Of all the useless things to know, you know what a TV is," Camille shook her head. "Now, come this way. Up the stairs, and you touch anything, you're repairing it with bare hands and no glue or magic."

"Then how could I fix it?" James objected.

"You can't," She said flatly. "And don't think you'll be able to leave my home after breaking something. I'll lock you in the basement."

James was scared. Rarely at the sociopathic boy ever feared for his life, or his freedom, but Camille Croft was actually scary…at least, her threat to lock him in her basement forever was.

James followed her into her kitchen where she took out a glass lid. "What? Why are you getting out a pot lid—"

"It's a disguise, ninny!" Camille snapped. She opened up one of cupboards and took out a vial with a clear liquid. "Inside of this is a tear; that's how memories are extracted. And out of this one is a very special moment of mine. I won't be narrating this, so you'll have to observe on your own. A challenge for you, seeing as you are as observant as a peanut."

James glared. "I am too observant!"

"When it suits your purpose. This isn't exactly doing much more for you than pass the time!" She snapped back.

James…could not deny it.

She poured the liquid into the lid which hovered in the air and she suddenly grabbed the startled boy's head. James began to scream as she shoved his face into the shallow dish. He expected to break his nose (again)…Instead, he found himself watching something similar to a movie.

There was a girl with long blond hair nearly to her waist and gray eyes that he recognized as Camille's. James was astounded. How could that old crow ever have been this pretty? She was tugging a tall boy who looked tired and thin but had an innocence about him, a purity that wreathed him that made him appear attractive.

Camille was standing beside him, and she tugged him along after the boy and girl who walked into an empty classroom.

"What do you need?" The boy asked quietly, voice full of concern.

"Remus…" She didn't sound like she was going to answer, James noticed. She was going to plow on as if he hadn't spoken. Kind of like him. "I don't know if you've noticed…That things are different."

"About that…" Suddenly, James saw what looked to be an ancient pain on Remus's face. "Camille, you don't have to…withhold your affection for Sirius in front of me. I can handle it, I really can."

"I don't like to kiss Sirius in front of you," She whispered. "I don't like to _be _with Sirius when I'm around you. I don't want to be with Sirius anymore. When I'm with you, all I want is to be with you, to…to kiss _you_ in public, to sit by _you_ in the Great Hall, to go to every Hogsmead together, to call you…mine."

"No…no…Camille!" Remus gaped at her in horror. "You can't…you were never…Don't let your pity—"

"This isn't pity!" Camille snapped. "You think I haven't thought of that? I've analyzed my feelings…and what I feel for you is…Remus, what I feel for you, I have _never_ felt for Sirius. I love him…Heaven knows, I love him." Suddenly, she began to speak faster, probably at his ashen face. "But I love you _more._ And I hate that. I wish we never would have fallen in love, but I can't fight it. I'm tired of trying. I'm not going to lead him on anymore. It'll be so, so hard. I don't want to hurt him. I wish he didn't think he loves me. I wish he would wake up and realize that I'm not the one for him, that his soul mate is _still out there_! He should be looking for her, but he's settling with me…and I'm settling for him."

"No. No," Remus shook his head. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't want me. You can't want me. I'm not Sirius. I'm not…I'm not…"

"You're not what I wanted," Camille said. James watched Remus give a sharp intake of breath. "I made a list. A list of four hundred twenty six things I wanted in a man," She was speaking in a rush again. "Sirius was every single one. That's why I was so sure of him, why I never doubted. He was my Prince Charming. But I've thought about everything that I really, truly want. And I've burned that list and created a new one. And I decided that there was only one thing I wanted, and Sirius lacked it. Do you want to know what it was?" She whispered. She cupped his cheek tenderly, and James felt acutely that this was a very private moment. "It was _you_. Sirius can _never _be you. And you can never be Sirius. It's _you_ that had me falling in love so fast I questioned my sanity, it's you that will force me to hurt somebody so dear to my heart…It's you that I'm willing to go through Hades for. Believe me, Remus, when I say that you're what I want."

Remus didn't answer, just lunged forward and hugged her, like Camille had narrated at the Quidditch field. "Why didn't you kiss? Isn't that would people who are in love do?"

"We didn't need to kiss," Camille was smiling at the couple. Her face seemed softer that way. "Remus and I never had to be intimate to express our love for each other."

"Oh. Well, that's stupid," James made a face. "And sappy."

Camille's face hardened again. "You are just as obnoxious as your grandfather. Just. As. Obnoxious."

"Besides, Remus sounds like a terrible person. He's willing to hurt his best friend to be with a girl. Bros before hoes," He said solemnly.

"That's why love is such a terrible thing," She said softly. "It can change us for the better, but it can also tear us apart. You'll understand some day, I'm sure. And Remus was far from happy. He fought me later, begged me to forget him, to stay with Sirius. As much as Remus loved me, he never wanted to take me from Sirius. He never would have wanted to hurt Sirius."

"But he did," James insisted. "I'm still team Sirius."

"You are _quite_ the little turd, aren't you?" She glared.

James gaped at her. "Did you just call me a _turd_?"

"Yes, yes I did." Suddenly, that hand was on the back of his head, and he was back in her kitchen. "Hey! I liked watching it!" James whined.

"I'm not done showing you what happened," She said darkly. With a flick of her wand, she gathered the liquid in a bottle and placed it back in the cupboard. She took out another identical vial. James wondered how she could tell what was what as she poured it.

All too soon, he was shoved roughly back into the pencieve.

Sirius Black, young and handsome, stood there ashen-faced. "What?"

Camille was there again, standing strong. "I can't lead you on anymore."

"Lead…me on?" Sirius spluttered. "What? What do you mean—"

"I love you, Sirius," She whispered. "I love you so much…"

"Then what is the problem?" He demanded, angry with the swelling grief.

"I love somebody else so much more. And I won't…" Her bottom lip trembled before she set it defiantly. "I won't allow you to hold me back. I've found my soul mate. And I know you won't understand. And I am _so sorry _for hurting you. I wish…I wish you didn't love me."

"But…I do." Sirius responded rather negatively to being dumped, James thought. "We were talking about marriage. I was saving up for a ring. And you…you fell in love with somebody else…You cheated on me?" He roared.

"No!" She shouted back. "I never so much as kissed him. But I fell in love with him. _I couldn't help it!_ He was meant for me. Sirius, you are perfect for me. But…not like he is. Here, watch." She grabbed his hand as she had a thousand times. "See? What do you feel?"

"Your hand?" He snapped, confusion dimming his voice but not his fury.

"What. Else?" Camille demanded severely.

"T-that's all!" He yelled.

"Exactly! When I hold his hand, it's like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It's like I'm complete, like we fit perfectly—"

"Who is it?" Sirius whispered, suddenly deflated.

"He knew that I was devoted to Remus, though he didn't know it was Remus," Camille explained to a startled James.

"I can't…" Now Camille looked sorrowful. "Do you believe me? That I'm sorry?"

"Who is it?" He yelled. "Who stole you from me?"

"Remus," She whispered.

Sirius gave a sharp laugh. "You're joking. Remus would never move in on—"

"Don't you _dare_ downplay him!" Camille snarled. James took a step back, intimidated. "He hates this; he would rather I stay with you and him suffer in silent _agony _than steal me from you. But it's not his choice. I fell in love with him with no beckoning from him; he didn't want to hurt you. But I'm choosing Remus. And I refuse to keep you in the dark any longer."

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut.

"He's hiding that he's tearing up," Camille said quietly to James. "That's how I knew I was making the right choice. He didn't trust me enough with his tears. His love and trust for me was conditional; the moment I stopped reciprocating his love, he withdrew for me. Remus always trusted me, even when he knew I wasn't his."

Sirius shook his head and stormed out. Remus was leaning against the wall, waiting mutely and meekly. He met Sirius's furious gray eyes.

"Sirius, I—" Remus was cut off by Sirius swinging back his arm and punching Remus straight on the nose. There was a crack as Remus hit the wall and collapsed.

"Bastard," Sirius growled. "You _stole _her from me. After everything I did for you, after everything we've been through together, you took away from me what mattered most to me."

"_He_ is the bastard?" Camille screamed, bordering on hysterical. "He didn't want to take me! I chose to leave you—didn't you hear me? Remus would have gone to the grave and never said a word to me about it. He loves me, can't you understand? Remus _loves _me. And if it is a tenth of what I feel for him, then he would have been in agony. _You_ are the bastard for thinking that you own me, that you have a better claim to me than him, the man I love with all my heart! All Remus did was do what made me happy. And _he _makes me happy!"

"_What does he have that I don't?_" Sirius yelled. "Why him? Why am I not good enough for you?"

"There are no rational answers. I thought you were the one, the one I was destined for. But, despite how much I thought I wanted you, Remus is the one I am _destined _for. You'll understand someday, Sirius, I know you will! The only reason why you're not the one for me is because…because…Because you're not Remus."

"That's all? His very _existence_ is a reason?" Sirius demanded.

"Yes. And that's enough." James watched her jut out her chin defiantly. Remus sat with his head in his hands, blood dripping. He didn't say a word. Just sat there, trying to look small. James stared at the boy.

James finally understood what Camille had said before about love. Camille and Remus loved each other so much…that they were willing to hurt Sirius in order to be together. James couldn't imagine being so selfish. But they did it.

He was, just like before, yanked out of the pencieve.

"You're selfish!" James accused.

"And happily in love," Camille snapped back. "I'd rather be selfish than settling for second best. I had to do what was best for me, and for Remus. If I had stayed with Sirius, everyone would have gotten hurt…especially him. It was better that we tell him then than have waited to our tenth anniversary."

James shook his head. "That was a TERRIBLE story. And you're not even together with Remus! And Remus and Sirius seem fine…say, did you make this story up?"

"No, you little idiot! It all happened!" Camille snapped. "And Remus and I _are _together. You are the first to know."

"But…" James gaped at her. "What? Why have you waited till now? Why would you make an unbreakable vow? And why am _I _the first to know?"

"Because Remus left me," She whispered. "He couldn't hurt Sirius. So he tried to make amends. Sirius was pacified, since he wasn't with me. He saw _me_ as the traitor. I was virtually hated by most everyone for almost tearing them apart. I trusted Remus to catch me when I took a leap for him…but he let me fall. Of course, Sirius relished in the fact that Remus was in pain at my pain. So he got to keep Remus, but he also got to hurt him."

"You're all terrible people!" James groaned.

"We're human," She sighed. "Anyways, after Sirius was sent to Azkaban, Remus was suddenly free to be with me, and satisfied that his friend was insane and a murderer. So…he came back to me."

"You didn't take him _back_, did you?" James gaped.

"Of course not! In case you haven't noticed, I'm a selfish person, but I stand up for my selfish desires. And Remus had a _lot _of apologizing to do. It was years before I was convinced that he wouldn't leave me again, before I was sure that when Sirius came back from Azkaban, that he would stick with me. I suppose I'm afraid, even now, that he'll desert me. That's why I made this vow. He wants me to believe in him so much that he wants to go public…and face Sirius."

"So…that's why you told me," James stated. "You had to tell one person, so you might as well tell me and get it out of the way."

"Exactly," She nodded. "And by this time tomorrow, you will have forgotten all about it."

James didn't answer, for there was a knock at the door. Camille frowned and answered it; Ginny Weasley, back after an hour. "I finished all of my errands quickly, so I thought I might as well return and pick up James—how did he do?"

Before Camille could answer, James burst into song. "Camille and Remus, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I—"

**Epilogue**

_Two days earlier: _

"Okay, we need to talk," Remus sighed. Camille looked up from organizing her book shelf. It was still in a disarray from the little Monster's (otherwise known as James Sirius Potter) last visit.

"What?" Camille asked, immediately defensive. "Did I do something wrong?"

He hesitated. "Well... It's just...Why haven't we told anybody about..." He grabbed her wrist and held it up, showcasing the diamond ring on her finger. Camille had fallen in love with its simple brilliance, the way it sparkled so brightly for such a small stone...less fanfare but still disturbingly valuable...like Remus. "I mean...we can't hide it once we send out the wedding invitations; which, we are doing, by the way."

Camille set her jaw. "I don't want to reopen more wounds."

"Sirius can't hate us forever...and I thought we agreed that we wouldn't let him hold us back!" Remus narrowed his eyes. "You don't trust me, do you? You think I'll leave you again, so you don't want to make it official by saying it out loud."

"It's not that!" Camille was affronted. "I'm not afraid you'll leave me again!" It was a lie. She knew Remus was in love with her, even in her old age...But Remus had loved her when he left her the first time.

Had she ever really forgiven Remus? The answer…was no. She'd just pushed it away, tried to forget it, and told herself that loving him was enough. She didn't _have _to trust him to be with him, did she? Yeah, yeah, the sayings all say trust is the foundation, but with Remus…how could she forgive him? She'd given up everything for him. And he'd slapped it in her face, leaving her vulnerable and alone.

"Yes, you are. Your defensiveness gives it all away," Remus stated. "Camille, you have to understand that I won't leave you. I learn from my mistakes; I was absolutely miserable without you. And I've wasted enough of our lives trying to push you, us, away. I want to spend whatever life I have left on this Earth with _you. _And I don't care who knows! It won't change the fact that I will never-"

"I know, I know!" Camille snapped, cutting him off. His words made her feel stupid. She shouldn't NEED his assurance. She was horrible, she should trust him. _But I don't. _"I _know _you won't leave me!"

"Camille…" He whispered, moving forward. "You have every right not to trust me—"

Camille groaned. "Remus, not this again—"

"Let me finish! You have every right not to trust me. But you were everything I wanted. _Everything. _You were what mattered most to me. And I will never, ever, not in a thousand years, forgive myself for what I did to you… But I—" Camille shook her head at his words.

"No, Remus, don't. I trust you. I know you won't leave again," Camille said. His words almost made her believe, like they had so many times before. But she knew tonight, when she dreamed of the moment when Remus didn't come to her like they had planned, this small shred of hope would be torn apart. Those nights she wept were ingrained in her very being and essence. Years of pain could not be erased. But she would never, ever tell Remus this. She would rather die than hurt him more than she already had.

"Then prove it!" Remus demanded. "Tell somebody that we're engaged."

"Fine, fine," Camille waved her hand, not taking it seriously.

"You're not getting out of it that easy. Make an unbreakable vow," He stated.

Remus was good. Camille was about to protest when an idea began to blossom. _Well, the little Monster is coming over in a few days..._ "Fine. Let's get this over with."


End file.
